Abstract Chatter

December 29, 2014, 10:03 pm
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I usually end up writing a blog entry when there is something of great urgency that I need to get off my chest, or thoughts that are so powerful, I can’t stop thinking about them and have no choice but to type it out. But today, there are no such thoughts. At this point, I’m not even really sure what to write about. And for that reason, I will vaguely title this blog piece as “reflections.” As i type this, the baby has finally dosed off for a little bit of the night, but it wasn’t without struggle– it wasn’t without tears, screaming, snot, and vomit. There are a few splashes of mixed sweet potato/banana purree on the wooden floors. And the sound machine is playing in the background. If I can hear it from here, it might be too loud. But I’m scared to open the door because Edris is such a light sleeper that the softest sound will wake him up. I guess many of my reflections are in regards to the baby. No surprise there.

This morning, as we were dropping him off at daycare, i said to Walid, I still can’t believe we have a baby. It’s like having a doll. Or a football that you carry around. Walid’s of course like, it’s NOTHING like that. Your analogies are so off.

And I guess my analogies are so off, because there really isn’t anything you can compare to. Somehow, God has entrusted us to care for this person. To hopefully bring him up in this world as a kind and good person. Someone who does good. Besides health and happiness, what more can I pray for except that he be good and do good. It all somehow still seems like a dream. Except for when it doesn’t — that’s mostly at 4am. Then it just seems like purgatory, floating in between sleep and consoiusness when the baby wakes for yet another feeding.

I hear at some point, they stop needing you in the middle of the night. At some point, their stomachs will survive the night without a feeding. That sounds magnificent.

Is it bad to say that some days I miss having a dull life? Going and coming back from the gym as I pleased. Hanging out late on a weeknight with some girlfriends chatting away about nonsensical topics. I miss it, but wouldn’t take it back for the world.

I’m thinking about a quote from The Americans. That’s a great, GREAT show by the way. In it, a soviet general said that love is when you care for someone. That definitely seems to be true. But I wonder what it will feel like when the love is returned. I imagine that feeling is nothing short of magical.

I love him at 7 months. He’s such a character. I’m already reading about descriptions of a hyperactive baby, and what that might mean for him as a student. Will he have a difficult time focusing on his studies? Will he be bored? Will he need a creative outlet to express himself? What will be his strengths and weaknesses? What kindScreen Shot 2014-12-29 at 11.00.22 PM of person will he become? I want to cherish each day. But I also can’t wait to explore life together.

I think this evening, I’m going to include in my prayer, a dua for future generations. Bur first, I must shower before he awakes for his first of many night feedings.